Missing Her..

I miss my precious daughter so much tonight. I miss her every second of every day of every week of every month of every year. Jeffrey should have a 2-year-old big sister loving on him and teaching him how to play with his toys. However, he only knows that Mommy shows him a picture that sits in his room and tries to explain that her name is Olivia, she is his big sister, she loves him very much and she lives in Heaven with Jesus. How will I ever explain her to him? I often wonder how he'll feel about the sister he never knew as he grows to be a man.

No one really tells you that the grieving process transforms into a whole new phase when your second child is born. Everytime I look at him I see her. I hear him laugh and wonder if that would be her laugh. I see him smile and wonder if they would have the same smile. I wonder if she would have his beautiful blue eyes. Would she sneeze when she looks at the sun? I know that sounds strange, but Jeffrey and I both do it. As I watch him grow I'm reminded of the precious moments that we've missed out on with her.

Saying all of this, I praise God for the life of Olivia. She forever changed me. My faith grew beyond belief on her birthday and it has strengthened everyday since. He has sustained us through the storm and continues to walk next to us as we deal with the bumps and curves on our road through life without her. He held me up throughout my pregnancy with Jeffrey and he guides me everyday as I try my best to be a God-loving wife and Mommy.

I'm so grateful that He blessed us with Olivia for seven days. He changed my life forever that week. I will never be the same, and I'm a better Christian for it. I know that I can't go on without Him. I know that my God will get me through this tunnel, just as He has so many times before.

I may miss her and I may be sad, but I know there is a rocking chair in Heaven and my sweet baby girl is sleeping peacefully in His arms and she is perfect.