Wrapping my Mind Around it All

It's been on my heart to write a post about the profoundness of Chelsea's birthday. I haven't really known what to write, but I knew I needed to put it into words so that I could begin to wrap my little human brain around it. I mentioned that she was born 4 years to the day after Olivia passed away, but that's really all I did was mention it. All the while, it's been on my mind since her birthday. I've been trying my best to figure out what this all means, but I also know that I'll never understand.

I knew there was a chance that Chelsea's birthday could be shared with either one of Olivia's special days, but I didn't expect it to actually happen. When we arrived at the hospital on the night of June 4th the hubby and I were at peace about it. The nurses had me walking the halls in order to help me progress and the most surreal moment was when we walked down the skywalk toward the NICU. We talked about how we'd been there experiencing the worst day of our lives and here we were four years later experiencing so much happiness. That night and morning I kept saying that we'd finally come full circle. Not only was the date incredibly special, but we were able to share it with the same doctor and nurse whom were with us on Olivia's birthday.

When we realized that Chelsea would have to go to the NICU, I went from being happy on June 5th for the first time in fours years to being completely distraught again. I knew that we were dealing with very minor problems, but the mere thought of walking through those NICU doors on Olivia's special day was almost more than I could take. However, I held it together and waited until I was alone to have my breakdown. I had a good cry and then pulled myself together. My baby needed me and I needed her. So we made that dreaded journey to the NICU and went through those doors once again. Once I saw her I knew she would be fine. This was NOTHING like our last visit. I tried to spend our few days there to understand what I needed take from this journey and it didn't take long to figure it out. I need to devote more of my time to Footprints. I can now relate to these parents more than I could before. Not only can I support parents who have lost a baby, but I can also relate to those who have unexpected stays for their full-term babies. Now, I just have to make this a priority. :)

So from this experience I've realized once again that God has amazing ways of telling us that Oliva is PERFECT. I know I'll never understand why Chelsea and Olivia share such a special day until I meet Jesus and see our girl again. I've learned that I need to let go of trying to figure it all out and do something productive with that energy, which is to devote that time back to Footprints.